What is Gaslighting?

Gaslight (gaslights, gaslighting, gaslighted): manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone with narcissistic behaviors covertly leads you to question your own reality, memory, or perceptions, often evoking cognitive dissonance, in an effort to protect their fragile ego. 
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Here are some examples of what gaslighting can sound like. As a disclaimer, it is important to note that not everyone who says these phrases is automatically a gaslighter. Gaslighting is intentional and a gaslighter knows exactly what they're saying and what they're doing.

1. "What did I do to you?"
   If someone responds to you this way, they may genuinely not know what they have done and are asking you about it. But when it's gaslighting, they are aware they have done something to hurt you and are pretending to play dumb.In defensively posing this question to you, they are denying the impact they had on you and are also forcing you to question it.
2. "Everyone around you isn't the problem, the problem is you."
   This is sometimes used as a way to shut down the conversation or dialogue for whatever is happening.This type of language is often referred to as victim blaming, where the gaslighter will make statements that cause you to feel like you are the problem, even when you have fallen victim to something such as bullying or abuse and the situation is outside of your direct control.
3. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
   When someone's hurt you and they say something like this (a classic "you" statement), than it is not a true apology. Instead, it's a way to make you feel like you are the problem. They say that they're sorry that you feel the way you do rather than apologizing for what they've done or how they made you feel.
4. "I don't remember saying that. I think you made that up. That never happened."
   This is the go-to phrase that a gaslighter will use to intentionally get you to question your experience, behavior, and thoughts in order to take the focus off of them.
5. "It's your anxiety that made me do the things I do."
   This is a common response when a gaslighter gets called out for their behavior. They use this as a reason to justify their own negative behavior when in fact, they should take responsibility for their own actions instead of choosing to blame you.
6. "You need help."
   This term is used to imply that you are the problem and that you need to address your issues rather than them having to work through their own issues. This is a shutdown response to avoid working things through with you.
7. "It's your fault."
   People who gaslight will neglect any responsibility for their actions or for a situation. Instead, they will directly blame others. This can be a repetitive cycle where you may be made to feel like something is your fault even if it isn't. You may even apologize for things that aren't your fault to make peace with them.
8. "You're too emotional/sensitive. You're overreacting. It was just a joke."
   This implies that your characteristics are seen as flaws. And this can make you question your own sense of who you are.
9. "It's not a big deal."
   People who gaslight have a tendency to minimize the impact that something has on you. They may make you feel like you're making a bigger deal out of something, when you are within your right to talk about things that are bothering you and express yourself openly.
10. "Why are you so defensive all the time? You're attacking me."
    This is a common phrase used when you challenge a gaslighter. They have a tendency to flip the conversation towards you and make it out like you are the one who is in the wrong by accusing you of being defensive and that you're attacking them. Then they become the victim.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you? These are only some of the things a gaslighter will say to you. You may have heard these before or even said them yourself, but this does not necessarily mean you have been gaslighted or that you are a gaslighter. Gaslighting is intentional and a gaslighter knows full well what they're saying and what they are doing. It is encouraged that you to seek help or guidance if you suspect that gaslighting has played a role in your life in an effort to empower yourself and your life. 

Diffusing Gaslighting

1. Get some space from the conversation
   Often times it is helpful to take a step back from a potentially myopic situation to gain clarity, as getting close and closer, leads to a more fragmented and confusing perception. Space doesn't inherently imply burning a bridge with a friend, or breaking up with your loved one, but rather separating yourself from the situation such that you are able to quiet your mind. Creating this space often provokes the opportunity to reflect on your experience enough to identify where you or others may be behaving or reacting unreasonably, as well as to recognize any valid points that may not recognized. 
2. Have conservations with trustworthy people, who have no agenda
   It is dangerous to invite friends to voice their emotional biases on your relationship at a roundtable. Instead, strive to select tactful and meaningful conversations with people who demonstrate wisdom, and whose opinions are valuable. Ideally people who about your history, tendencies, and preferences. In other words, be aware of people who tell you what you want to hear, as they may not be telling you the truth. Remember, the truth does not exist to comfort people. 
3. Pay attention to your feelings
   Often times when we are obsessing over who is right or wrong in any given situation, we lose sight of how we feel. Linguistic capabilities often can be the determining factor in "winning" a argument. It helps to get out of the complexity of the argument and into the simplicity of certain questions about how your feel. Where does the conversation go, and how do you feel when your bravely and authentically surface your feelings to this person? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel seen or stupid? Meaningful relationships have healing and compassionate properties, enabling us to feel more connected, confident, and safe, when we actively participate in those crucial conversations.