We all share and live from a common ground: it is possible to hate or fear the methods one uses to achieve a goal, but it is hard to hate the person's deepest motives because they are ones we have once had within ourselves. This means that every human act - physical, mental, emotional - is an attempt by the person to sustain or improve the quality of their life. The motive or fundamental drive is different then the means or methods.

Is it true that at one time or another, all of us attempt to meet our needs by acting in ways which others find harmful or painful. Some may even do this intentionally and habitually. During this times, some of these things may be occurring:
  • The person may not know a better means to achieve the ends.
  • The person may not see the harm that results from their actions, or acknowledge how that harm brings loss to someone.
  • The person may have compulsive behaviors that are hard to resist.
  • Or, the person may be convinced that those are the only or best methods.

If we all can keep these considerations in the foreground of our minds when relating to others, we have the potential to experience a powerful sense of compassion that is infused with a deep feeling of communion.

"When it comes to human beings,
the only type of cause that matters is final cause, the purpose.
What a person has in mind.
Once you understand what people really want,
you can't hate them anymore.
You can fear them, but you can't hate them,
because you can always find the same desires
in your own heart."

Orson Scott Card

Nonviolent Communication

Violence is defined as using force that results in damage or harm. With this in mind, how much of how we communicate with ourselves and each other could be considered violent? For example, when we say thing like, "You make me mad," or "You are annoying me," we are proclaiming that others are responsible for our thoughts and emotions. This can leave us feeling aggrieved and hopeless, and the listener feeling upset or guilty. When we speak about how we are and what we need by using judgemental labels like, "That was dumb, ridiculous, mean, reckless, etc.," we can be left feeling unhappy and lonely, and the listener feeling hurt or scared. All of these feelings - guilt, sadness, hopelessness, loneliness - are all forms of pain, to the extent that our orthodox methods of communication tend to elicit them, these forms of communication can be considered violent.

Consider all of the human suffering that is the product of communication. It doesn't matter if the pain is typically unintentional. The distressful emotions that manifest using familiar methods of communication require a vast amount of energy to reconcile.  It seems that these forms of communicating are based on the false belief that humans need coercion and control in order to be motivated.

The Purpose of the Process

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can be viewed both as an attitude and a set of tools, designed to help anyone realize and enjoy profound truth: Every day, in every act, everyone is motivated by the same need - the need to support or improve the quality or continuity of our lives. NVC encourages us to be patient and explore our motives at a deeper level, to work with commitment, compassion and creativity, and assures us that by doing so we will often invent methods of proceeding which enable each of us to realize our dreams and visions. The practice of NVC offers practical tools to help us achieve this.

Compassion, for all life, can be experienced and expressed in actions through the methods and insights of NVC. Practicing NVC offers the potential for each of us to experience deep joy, inspiration and nourishment, and may invite more friends into your life.

While NVC has the power to be applied to help us relate to ourselves with increased compassion, it is often focused more on its interpersonal applications. Regarding the interpersonal applications, the intention of NVC is to help people interact in ways that leave all participants feeling more connected and whole, reminding them that helping others is a fulfilling act while removing the fear, obligation or guilt associated with the motivation for helping themselves and each other.

Guides, Not Rules

NVC is not a way that you should be speaking all the time, but is rather an attitude and a set of concepts and tools designed to help people establish a form of compassionate rapport with themselves and others. When this rapport is present and sustained, people often become spontaneously willing to do what they can to meet their own and each other's needs.

It is encouraged to view the concepts and tools that are about to be shared as guides to help create compassion and a sense of communion with yourself and others, not as rules to follow. In the beginning, you may rely on them heavily, to help you learn to speak and listen in ways that most likely inspire compassion. However, if you use them too rigidly, they have the ability to hinder the very compassion you seek to generate. It is advised to use them like training wheels in the beginning, but then learn to use them more like a checklist - a list of items to help you remember important points and procedures. The primary intention of NVC is to enable people to relate to themselves and each other in ways which inspire connection, compassion and generosity, not to create a new social subgroup that speaks a new language.

What to Share and Listen For: The Checklist

In NVC there are two general questions we attempt to answer for each party:
  1. "How am I doing?" (How are you doing) and,
  2. "What can be done now to improve my/your well-being?"

If both parties are trained in NVC, each of us can work together to answer these questions for each other. If only one of us knows the process, that person can guide the conversation so that these questions are answered for both participants.

The details for the first question, "How am I doing?" or "How are you doing?", can be determined with three pieces of information:
  • What event is triggering each person's desire to speak: What is being sensed, observed, heard, thought, recalled, etc.?
  • What emotions are moved within each participant: excitement, fear, anger, hurt, curiosity, etc.?
  • What personal needs are the source of those emotions: the need for safety, nourishment, information, friendship, respect, understanding, choice, etc.?

The answer to the second question, "What can be done now to improve my/your well-being?", ca be determined by providing each other with a fourth piece of information:
  • What specific actions would anyone like to perform, or have another perform, right now: listen, explain, problem solve, agree to act, etc.?

The event, emotions, needs, and request: These four pieces of information can be thought of as a checklist. Let's explore them individually.

1. Triggering Events

Before beginning a conversion, something happens which triggers a person's desire to communicate. Something is experienced, observed, heard, thought, felt, sensed, smelled, recalled, etc. The triggering event is the origin of the urge to communicate.

2. Emotions

Becoming aware of our emotions, and other internal sensations (fatigue, hunger, thirst, etc.), informs us to know the current status of our needs, how we are doing. Elevated emotions, such as joy, excitement or delight, inform us that some of our needs have been filled or we believe they will be. Lower emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, hurt or embarrassment, inform us that some of our needs aren't met, or we believe they won't be. Emotions provide valuable information regarding the status of are well-being. Since emotions are the driving force behind our behavior, identification of our emotions plays a principle role in determining the status of our needs. However, identifying emotions is not enough information.

3. Personal Needs

Our emotions are intimately connected to our needs. Therefore, it is easier to accurately understand each participant's emotions if some information regarding the underlying needs is made manifest. In any situation, you may not understand the particular nature of a given emotion unless the associated need is involved and what is being thought in regard to that need. The combination of what is needed and believed produces an emotion. Our emotions are the product of an interaction between our needs, our thoughts, and the sensory information we have available. If we want to understand each other's emotions with clarity, it helps to clearly articulate the needs, thoughts, and sensory information that are producing them.

Moreover, when we identify the needs associated with each person's emotions, some vulnerability and common humanity is revealed, often creating a feeling, a spontaneous sense of communion and a compassionate generosity. In other words, when we have needs in desire of fulfillment we demonstrate a kind of universally recognizable vulnerability that others can identify, which often inspires them to spontaneously respond in helpful ways.

4. Actions Desired

After learning how someone is after acquiring the first three pieces of information, a listener may wonder if the speaker wants to take any particular action now, or wants the listener to do anything at that moment. The fourth piece of information involves identifying a specific action, if there is one, which someone could do in that given moment that might meet an immediate need of the person making the request.

This information naturally forms a bridge to the next round of communication which often restarts the whole process, learning how the other person's status, their needs, and how their needs reflect their ability to do what we ask.
Expressed differently, in any conversation we are primarily interested in the following:
  • Do I know where this conversation started?
  • Are we talking about our feelings and needs?
  • Are we confusing our requests with our needs?
  • Do we each know what the other specifically want to do, or have another do, at this moment?

The following dialog illustrates a speaker sharing all four pieces of information with another. This structured form of speaking serves as a "training wheel" type of example. Overtime, as you learn how to share and gather this information, it will become less of a formula.
"When I got your text [receiving the text was the event],
I was elated [an emotion],
because I love hanging out with people I enjoy [the need for friendship and engagement is producing the emotion]
Who else is will be joining us [a request for specific information]?"

"When I found out that you were in the hospital [hearing is the event]
I was sad [an emotion]
because I care about your health [the listener is sad because they have a need for the person to whom they are speaking to be healthy].
Would you care to share how this is affecting you [the speaker requests specific information]?"

"I was extremely upset [an emotion]
when I heard you blame me [hearing oneself being blamed is the event],
because I prefer that people take responsibility for their own actions, rather than assign blame to someone else [the unmet need is for personal accountability on the part of the person whose to blame].
Would you tell me what need or desire of yours didn't get fulfilled that motivated you to call me 'irresponsible' [a request for specific information]?"
A conversation that engages NVC often consists of a rhythmic series of exchanges - the status and desires of oneself, followed by the status of another and their needs, followed by the status of oneself, etc., continued until every participant's needs are met as much as possible or each participant agrees that everyone has done their best.

How to Share and Listen: Recommendations

By now you may be reflecting back on experiences when you shared your status and what your needs, and yet it didn't produce the results you wanted. Perhaps you felt less compassionate, connected or generous toward each other. You may have ended up feeling more disappointed, hurt, angry and frustrated. It appears as if we need to do more than just identify the checklist. The key lies in how we communicate and listen to each other. When communicating using the NVC process, we are encouraged to consider the following recommendations:
  1. Describe, events, emotions, and needs without using evaluative judgments, moralistic labels or name-calling.
  2. Avoid blaming or behaving defensively. Developing a deeper comprehension of the personal needs which are producing each participant's emotions and choices is often more productive.
  3. When making requests, be specific about the behaviors that each participant would like themselves or another to do right now. Avoid trying to get anyone's needs fulfilled via demands, threats, guilt, or shaming manipulations. 

Let's explore the following recommendations:

1. Describe the Facts

Most people do not appreciate when others speak about what they think is right or wrong with us or our actions. The first recommendation suggests when taking about what is happening, felt, or needed, describe it objectively rather than offering moralistic or evaluative opinions about said happening. Opinions of value, worthiness, appropriateness, etc. tend to stimulate defensiveness and unproductive debate whereas descriptions of facts  tend to be adjusted only for completeness or accuracy.

For example, when attempting to identify a triggering event, one using orthodox methods of communication may say, "You lied to me." This can be perceived as a moralistic label of what occurred. An alternative method of communicating incorporating the recommendation to describe the facts may read, "Your description of what happened doesn't match what I hear from others." The latter version is a simple, objective description of what was experienced. Or when speaking about feelings, rather than saying, "You're irresponsible," (a moralistic characterization of another's behavior) one may say, "I'm feeling disappointed and angry," in an effort to describe one's emotions. (Phrases beginning with "I feel" usually indicate the coming of an opinion. In NVC, all opinions heard and desired expressions should be translated into objective descriptions of what occurred or observed.

Describing the facts can be accomplished by simply asking oneself, "What actually happened, or was done or observed, what is being labeled as foolish, rude, insulting, deceitful, etc.?"

2. Avoid Blaming or Defending

Many people have learned to explain emotions and actions by denying personal responsibility for them and/or blaming them on the behavior of others. When people say things like, "You made me act that way," "I had no choice but to..." or "I couldn't help but..." we are actually communicating in forms of blame which often provoke fruitless debate.

Indeed, our feelings and actions are influenced by the actions of others, providing us with a particular stimulus to respond to. However, how we respond to that stimulus is determined more by how we think about what is going on, and what we need in relation to the stimulus, than by the stimulus itself. Therefore, when using NVC, it is recommended that we spend our energy exploring how the needs and thoughts of each participant have shaped their feelings and choices, rather than attempting to assign or debate blame.
Picture
The following table contains, on the left, statements that don't provide enough information about feelings, actions, or needs to promote understanding and compassion; in the middle, statements that assign blame for a person's feelings and actions; on the right, statements that inspire understanding and compassion because they describe how the needs of the speaker are producing their feelings and behaviors.
Before moving on, it is important to clarify the distinction between emotions, needs, and requests.

We each learn about our needs through our emotions and other sensations of sufficiency or deficiency, such as hunger, thirst, etc. When our needs are fulfilled, we experienced the emotions and corresponding sensations of fullness, satisfaction, comfort, contentment, etc. When our needs are not met, we experience the opposite, feelings of grief, yearning, longing, craving, hunger, or some urge.

We all have needs which tend to be general  and involve fundamental necessities. Needs can be categorized into broad groups such as physical (the need for food, shelter, safety, etc.), social (the need for compassion, affection, etc.), spiritual, intellectual, etc. For example, when speaking about needs, one might say, "I need water," or "I need more information."

Requests are specific and describe what we want done in order for some need to be fulfilled. For example, "Would you be willing to give me a ride to school?" "I would prefer to speak to you in person."

The NVC process encourages us to clearly differentiate our needs from our requests. While the majority of people won't object to what we need, they often object to the ideas we have about who, when, where, how much or in what way we want our needs to met. For example, most people will not debate with the statement, "I need something to drink." However, if I say, "I need to drink your beer," the person I am speaking to object. If we want our needs to be heard, understood and empathized with, it is best if we speak about our need first, separate from our request.

Often times, if we are able to carefully distinguish and successfully separate our needs and our requests, a curious phenomena occurs. After fully exploring each person's needs and mutually satisfying ways of proceeding present themselves, a spontaneous desire to engage in them emerges naturally. People are often so touched and moved by the vulnerable nature of another's unmet needs and by the ability to relate to their persons desires, that creative and cooperative solutions which enable everyone's needs to be met often form with little effort.

3. Request Desired Behaviors

The final recommendation of the NVC process suggests that we translate our general needs into specific requests. Most people would prefer that someone tell us exactly what they desire rather than demand us, threaten us, leave us guessing, or try to manipulate us by withdrawing. Therefore we are encouraged to articulate precisely the exact actions necessary to meet our most pressing needs and to present these in the form of requests. Moreover, this recommendation suggests that we inform people of what we want them to do, rather than telling them what we don't want them to do.
If we aren't following the three recommendations, we may be speaking in one or more of these disruptive ways, which often leads to downward spirals:
  • Name calling and criticizing: In some way telling another what we think is right or wrong with the other or their behavior.
  • Blaming: Speaking as though someone other than ourselves has made us think, feel, or act as we did or do.
  • Bossing or threatening: In some way telling the other what they should, is supposed to, or had better do or not do.

Summary

When practicing NVC, we are primarily interested in discovering the status of each participant and what could be done now to improve our respective well-beings. As mentioned above, the checklist focuses on certain information that helps us achieve this and the three recommendations helps us communicate this information in ways that most likely inspire compassion and mutual generosity.

A Benefit of Practicing Nonviolent Communication

As people use these basic tools and concepts of NVC, they begin to relate to themselves and others from a more compassionate awareness that is born out of their repeated discovery that in everything each of us does we are all motivated by the same deep need - the need to sustain or improve the quality or continuity of our lives.

In response to this recognition people often become less interested in categorizing themselves and others, that is, deciding what and how worthy people are, and more interested in speaking to and from the heart - learning how people are, what they need and how to provide it.

Helpful Tips

  • When someone has expressed pain of some sort and you are unaware of how to proceed, don't immediately problem solve. Instead, empathize. Imaginatively guess what they might be feeling and how it relates to what they need, then share your guesses with them. (Don't worry about guessing wrong. The fact that you try al all is a gift in itself.) When their most important feelings and needs have been reflected back to them, it typically invokes a relaxation response. Empathize until you observe that relaxation, then provide solutions if you so desire.
  • Needs never refer to specific other people. Requests do. Be careful not to confuse your basic need, or another's basic need, with your requests for when, where, how, how much, and by whom you each want your needs to be met.
  • When faced with anger, ask yourself, "What is this person needing or wanting that they haven't received or fear losing?" Guess and share with them.
  • When your conversation start to become unmanageable, pause, break away for a moment, then use the checklist and three recommendations as assessment and solution guides to help you identify any changes in language or approach that may assist. It is helpful to ask yourself, "Have I been talking about my behaviors, my feelings, and my needs, or have I been analyzing, blaming, categorizing,or labeling the other person's behavior, feelings and needs?"
  • When in doubt, empathize. If the other participant stops speaking and you don't know what they want from you, it is usually safe to just empathize - share with them your perceptions of what they are feeling and how it relates to what they are needing.

References

Myers, W. (1998). Nonviolent Communication. Encinitas, CA: Wayland Myers