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Relationships

What is Gaslighting?

7/31/2022

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Gaslight (gaslights, gaslighting, gaslighted): manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where someone with narcissistic behaviors covertly leads you to question your own reality, memory, or perceptions, often evoking cognitive dissonance, in an effort to protect their fragile ego. 

​
Here are some examples of what gaslighting can sound like. As a disclaimer, it is important to note that not everyone who says these phrases is automatically a gaslighter. Gaslighting is intentional and a gaslighter knows exactly what they're saying and what they're doing.
  1. "What did I do to you?"
    If someone responds to you this way, they may genuinely not know what they have done and are asking you about it. But when it's gaslighting, they are aware they have done something to hurt you and are pretending to play dumb.In defensively posing this question to you, they are denying the impact they had on you and are also forcing you to question it.
  2. "Everyone around you isn't the problem, the problem is you."
    This is sometimes used as a way to shut down the conversation or dialogue for whatever is happening.This type of language is often referred to as victim blaming, where the gaslighter will make statements that cause you to feel like you are the problem, even when you have fallen victim to something such as bullying or abuse and the situation is outside of your direct control.
  3. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
    When someone's hurt you and they say something like this (a classic "you" statement), than it is not a true apology. Instead, it's a way to make you feel like you are the problem. They say that they're sorry that you feel the way you do rather than apologizing for what they've done or how they made you feel.
  4. "I don't remember saying that. I think you made that up. That never happened."
    This is the go-to phrase that a gaslighter will use to intentionally get you to question your experience, behavior, and thoughts in order to take the focus off of them.
  5. "It's your anxiety that made me do the things I do."
    This is a common response when a gaslighter gets called out for their behavior. They use this as a reason to justify their own negative behavior when in fact, they should take responsibility for their own actions instead of choosing to blame you.
  6. "You need help."
    This term is used to imply that you are the problem and that you need to address your issues rather than them having to work through their own issues. This is a shutdown response to avoid working things through with you.
  7. "It's your fault."
    People who gaslight will neglect any responsibility for their actions or for a situation. Instead, they will directly blame others. This can be a repetitive cycle where you may be made to feel like something is your fault even if it isn't. You may even apologize for things that aren't your fault to make peace with them.
  8. "You're too emotional/sensitive. You're overreacting. It was just a joke."
    This implies that your characteristics are seen as flaws. And this can make you question your own sense of who you are.
  9. "It's not a big deal."
    People who gaslight have a tendency to minimize the impact that something has on you. They may make you feel like you're making a bigger deal out of something, when you are within your right to talk about things that are bothering you and express yourself openly.
  10. "Why are you so defensive all the time? You're attacking me."
    This is a common phrase used when you challenge a gaslighter. They have a tendency to flip the conversation towards you and make it out like you are the one who is in the wrong by accusing you of being defensive and that you're attacking them. Then they become the victim.

Do any of these phrases sound familiar to you? These are only some of the things a gaslighter will say to you. You may have heard these before or even said them yourself, but this does not necessarily mean you have been gaslighted or that you are a gaslighter. Gaslighting is intentional and a gaslighter knows full well what they're saying and what they are doing. It is encouraged that you to seek help or guidance if you suspect that gaslighting has played a role in your life in an effort to empower yourself and your life. 

Diffusing Gaslighting

  1. Get some space from the conversation
    Often times it is helpful to take a step back from a potentially myopic situation to gain clarity, as getting close and closer, leads to a more fragmented and confusing perception. Space doesn't inherently imply burning a bridge with a friend, or breaking up with your loved one, but rather separating yourself from the situation such that you are able to quiet your mind. Creating this space often provokes the opportunity to reflect on your experience enough to identify where you or others may be behaving or reacting unreasonably, as well as to recognize any valid points that may not recognized. 
  2. Have conservations with trustworthy people, who have no agenda
    It is dangerous to invite friends to voice their emotional biases on your relationship at a roundtable. Instead, strive to select tactful and meaningful conversations with people who demonstrate wisdom, and whose opinions are valuable. Ideally people who about your history, tendencies, and preferences. In other words, be aware of people who tell you what you want to hear, as they may not be telling you the truth. Remember, the truth does not exist to comfort people. 
  3. Pay attention to your feelings
    Often times when we are obsessing over who is right or wrong in any given situation, we lose sight of how we feel. Linguistic capabilities often can be the determining factor in "winning" a argument. It helps to get out of the complexity of the argument and into the simplicity of certain questions about how your feel. Where does the conversation go, and how do you feel when your bravely and authentically surface your feelings to this person? Do you feel better or worse? Do you feel seen or stupid? Meaningful relationships have healing and compassionate properties, enabling us to feel more connected, confident, and safe, when we actively participate in those crucial conversations.
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Brené Brown: Empathy vs. Sympathy

6/5/2021

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Transcript: 

So, what is empathy and why is it VERY different than sympathy?

Empathy fuels connection. Sympathy drives disconnection.

It's very interesting. Theresa Wiseman is a nursing scholar who studied very diverse professions where empathy is relevant and came up with four qualities of empathy.
  1. Perspective taking - ability to take the perspective of another person, or recognize their perspective as their truth.
  2. Staying out of judgment - not easy when you enjoy it as much as most of us do.
  3. Recognizing emotion in other people, and then 
  4. Communication

Empathy is feeling WITH people. I always think of empathy as this kind of sacred space. When someone's in a deep hole and they shout from the bottom and they say, "I'm stuck. It's dark. I'm overwhelmed."...And then we look and we say, "Hey!" And climb down and say, "I know what it's like down here and you're not alone."

Sympathy is, "Ooh!" "It's bad, uh-huh?" "Uh... No. You want a sandwich?"

Empathy is a choice and it's a vulnerable choice. Because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.

Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with, "At least..." Yeah. And we do it all the time because, you know what? Someone shared something with us that's incredibly painful and we're trying to "silver lining" it. I don't think that's a verb, but I'm using it as one. We're trying to put a silver lining around it.

So, "I had a miscarriage." "At least you know you can get pregnant."

"I think my marriage is falling apart." "At least you have a marriage."

"John's getting kicked out of school." "At least Sarah is an A-student."

One of the things we do sometimes in the face of very difficult conversations is we try to make things better. If I share something with you that's very difficult, I'd rather you say, "I don't even know what to say. I'm just so glad you told me."

Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.
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Diane Poole Heller: Attachment Styles and Relationships

12/23/2020

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Having trouble navigating your relationships with others and healing from traumas in your life? Diane Poole Heller shares her expertise in child and adult attachment styles so you can begin to live a fuller, more loving life in this very connective Living 4D conversation.

Show Notes
  • Diane wrestled with deeper questions — the differences between necessary and unnecessary suffering and the inhumanity of man — as a child. (8:22)
  • The wound of self-love. (16:14)
  • Secure attachment skills and styles. (25:08)
  • Are you available for a repair attempt? (36:07)
  • Humans are designed for secure attachments. (48:02)
  • Avoidant, insecure, attachment adaptations. (52:00)
  • Even people with avoidant attachment styles need and want to feel connections. (1:06:32)
  • Having a transition ritual is important for avoidant attachment types. (1:14:08)
  • Ambivalent attachment styles: Overfocused on relationships. (1:22:58)
  • Facing some discomfort — hugging porcupines occasionally — helps you create better connections and more secure attachments. (1:34:12)
  • One of our gifts — and challenges — in America is being very individualistic. (1:44:29)
  • Disorganized, disoriented attachment adaptations and the possibility of avoidant and ambivalent extremes. (1:50:07)
  • Healing emotional wounds can affect families seven generations backward and forward. (2:01:13)
Resources
  • The development of attachment theory by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth
  • The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships and Healing Your Attachment Wounds by Diane Poole Heller
  • The work of Fritz Perls, George Gurdjieff, Bonnie Badenoch and Mark Wolynn
  • The Welcome Home Exercise for Couples on YouTube
  • Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment For Comprehensive Repair by Dr. Daniel Brown
  • The Strange Situation on YouTube
  • It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn

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"I" versus "You" Statements

3/23/2020

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Picture
"Why don’t you ever listen?"
"You just don’t understand me!"
"You are of no help at all!"
"You are so insensitive, you just don’t care, you don’t love me"

Sound familiar?

It is nothing new to argue about housework, priorities and money. For many couples, these arguments occur weekly. This observation is exactly why choosing the right words during an argument is so important. When you change your words, you change your life, and nowhere is this more true than in relationships.

Even when you have the best of intentions, without mindful awareness of the words you use, what you say can escalate an argument into a full-blown fight and really hurt the one you love. And one of the most common mistakes those in a relationship make with their language is the use of “you-statements” instead of using “I-statements.”

WHAT IS A “YOU-STATEMENT?”

“You-statements,” such as those listed above, are phrases that begin with the pronoun “you” and imply that the listener is responsible for something. They show no ownership of emotions, but rather blame, accuse and assume the receiver. By blaming others for something in your life, you are giving away your power. You begin to adopt a victim mentality. This type of statement is more likely to make your partner feel defensive and resentful, and he or she will be less likely to want to make peace.

WHAT IS AN “I-STATEMENT?”

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, forces us to take responsibility for what we are thinking and feeling and prevents us from blaming our partners. Phrasing statements beginning with "I" places the power in your hands. When using “I-statements,” we become empowered and can still be assertive, but find a less hostile, more compassionate way to communicate.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “YOU-STATEMENTS” AND “I-STATEMENTS”

“You-statements” are often used to assert blame and even punish your partner, consciously or unconsciously. By pointing out what they’ve done wrong or how they’ve made you feel upset, sad or angry, you’re either trying to make them feel as bad as you feel or you’re trying to make them change. Neither is a part of creating a healthy relationship nor creating an opportunity to come together.

An “I-statement,” on the other hand, shows personal accountability and open-mindedness. It states that even though your partner is not acting or speaking in the way you’d prefer, you are not blaming him or her for how you feel. When using “I-statements,” you take responsibility for the part you played in the disagreement and display the openness for deep listening and resolution.

FORMING “I-STATEMENTS”

So how do you turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement?”

Describe your feelings: First, remember that the point of an “I-statement” is to express how you feel inside. Because of this, you can think of an “I-statement” as an “I-feel statement.”  A true “I-statement” uses specific emotions such as “I feel…” joyful, anxious, lonely, resentful, angry, calm, embarrassed, fearful, etc.

Avoid words that may seem like emotions, but really imply a story or the action of your partner: “I feel…ignored, annoyed, pissed off, mistreated, manipulated, controlled, cheated, abandoned, etc.”

It is also a common misperception that you can tack on the words “I feel” in front of a you-statement, once again giving your power away. For example, “I feel like you are taking me for granted.” That is just a “you-statement” in disguise. It implies blame and there is no actual emotion being expressed.

“I-STATEMENT” EXAMPLES

It can be difficult to use “I-statements” if you’re not used to consciously using this type of language. These “I-statement examples” may help:
  • "I felt excluded when I didn't receive an invitation."
  • "I felt powerless when I am not able to do what I want to do."
  • "I felt unheard when I don't see others following through."
  • "I felt unloved when I was alone last week for dinner."
  • “I felt anxious when I missed a deadline.”
  • "I felt judged when I don't see acknowledgment from others."
  • "I felt disrespected when I don't see others look me in the eyes."
  • "I felt unsafe when I wasn't in your arms."
  • “I felt embarrassed when you mentioned my name in front of others.”
  • “I felt confused and hurt when you leave your clothes on the floor because I thought I had communicated how important it was that you put them in the laundry basket.”
  • “I feel resentful when you go on hikes on the weekends without me when we have not had time together for weeks.”

USING “I-STATEMENTS”

Using “I-feel statements” works best when your emotions seem overwhelming and you want to take it out on your significant other. When you first start using them, explain to your partner what you’re trying to accomplish and admit you might not do it perfectly the first time. Do you best to be as gentle as possible and realize that the tone and body language of your voice matters as much – if not more – than the words you use. Consider using some of the “I-statement” examples listed above and do your best to identify the emotion you are feeling and its origin. Admit if you have a trigger from the past that is playing a part in how you feel and if this is making you react rather than response.

To help you better understand how you to turn a “you-statement” into an “I-statement,” consider how to change your language during these common conflicts:
Picture

References

Robbins, T. (2020). Why Your Wording Matters: Using "I" Statements In Relationships. Retrieved 23 March 2020, from https://www.tonyrobbins.com/love-relationships/words-matter-you-vs-i/
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